Recently Sakha asked me to write down things I learned as an army wife so as to help all the young girls who marry army men. My first thought was,” get real sakha. I give tips to anyone! That’s beyond crazy.” Then he said,” do it for me, write it as if you were talking with yourself.” Like yes that’d like make me a certified loose screw! Ahem that somehow doesn’t sound exactly like I mean it…but let’s say no puns intended. Since my weak little heart always goes squishy when sakha says” do it for me” I wrote. Here it goes.

Being a wife is in itself a very difficult thing (having to cohabit with the male of the species is always ummm tough) being an army wife is a different ball game (no puns intended) all together.

There I was freshly out of college; totally in love with this smart hunky wonderful man from the army! Who also happened to be my best friend. A 100% civilian background, a typical Mumbai bindas attitude, and a mind of my own were probably not the best qualities that make a good army wife. And boy did I learn about it fast enough! (Sakha shudders every time we remember my first year in the army!) But as they say love isn’t blind, we were blind until life intruded and opened our eyes.

My first exposure of army life was my bigger and probably better half’s unit the fighting nineteen. And there began a journey. Endearing, funny, exasperating, toxic and poignant moments and I really want to say it all in just one article (typical of me wanting to get not only the last but the middle and the first and all words at once!) But that’s not possible so I’ll just skim over and tell you about what I learned and how I learned … I learned about loyalties and love, about simplicity, and affection, about how power can go to your head, and how small gestures can mean so much. I learned about how words hastily spoken will hurt and how wounds caused can heal with tears of repentance. I learned the value of being dignified, and Above all I learned diplomacy. I also learned patience though I always prayed to god about that one,” God, give me patience and do it fast!’

My welcome to the army life was peaceful the whole paltan being in the valley when we arrived at Dalhousie. And that’s when I got introduced to ‘The Bad boys’ ‘the life of the paltan’ the bachelors! That’s what they called themselves. Seriously!

After respectfully wishing me and welcoming me they gave me a live chicken and asked me to kill it, clean it and then cook it! All my entreaties fell on deaf ears and though I didn’t quite have to kill it, I did clean and cook it, kolhapuri style. And boy was it fun to see them eat it with tears streaming down their eyes. But they finished it off and complimented me too!

I have unequal vision say my left eye is weaker than my right which is normal. So one day I had misplaced my specs and I had shut my left eye in order to focus better with my right and there was this youngster with a frozen smile on his face probably wondering why maam (that’s me) was winking at him! He wouldn’t meet my eyes for a long time afterwards until he saw me doing my focusing trick in the presence of the brigadier! Then he couldn’t resist! He said,” maam I wouldn’t if I were you. The old guy might take you seriously! He doesn’t know you are from bombay!
I didn’t know what he was talking about. Only when he asked me why I was winking at the brigadier did I realize what had happened and I told him about my eyesight. There he was with a relieved smile on his face! So I asked him why he hadn’t told Sakha if he thought I was winking at him!

He said,” I didn’t want to get you in trouble!” I felt cared for in a family I wasn’t born into, despite my kolhapuri chicken. Needless to say Sakha and I, we laughed our hats off wondering what the brigadier must have been thinking!

1. That’s how I learned my first lesson about the Paltan my hubby so fondly; proudly spoke about. Unit is like a big family. They’ll be there to help. To cover your mistakes, to showcase your talents. That then was the beginning of a wonderful bond which is still going strong after 15 years.

There’s this thing in the army called the ladies meet where all the officers’ wives come together and meet, it’s a kind of party which a unit hosts, and it’s almost like a girls wedding! The preparations, food, games, decorations, everything has to be perfect! Better than the joneses (read other units). And so needless to say there are lots of meetings and hard work put into this ladies meet (any army wife will make a great event manager).

There was our CO’s wife asking us what we thought! There I was bubbling with fresh ideas eager to contribute, my eyes sharp as a button, my heart pounding! I was going to contribute towards Sakha’s efforts for the country! I mean I was totally sold on his talk about unit ki izzat and unit ka naam! And so I talked about my ideas, and I was asked very politely to speak only when spoken too! Oh how my heart broke! My first shut up call, I was only trying to help. Saying what I thought cause I was asked what I thought! It seemed so unfair! That’s when a friendly lady told me your ideas clash with the CO’s wives. She did not like it. Don’t take it personally. I had learned my second lesson,

2. When seniors say tell me what you think? DON’T. Most just want you to say, “what ever u think sir!”

Formality is not just a way your seniors keep you at a distance; it’s actually your way of staying out of trouble and thus not hindering your husband’s profession. After all how wrong can you go with good mornings Mrs. Xyz nice weather we are having. Oh isn’t that a wonderful sari you are wearing? Actually much better than,” tell me honestly did that lady throw a better party than I?” Huh! that’s like stepping on a mine field, any which way you answer you are going to get blown to bits all you can hope is that you come out of it with all relevant parts unharmed! So I learned

3. BE FORMAL,

THERE IS SAFETY,

IN FORMALITY

AND IT EVEN RHYMES THAT’S LIKE GOD TRYING TO TELL YOU SOMETHING!

4. Have all your intelligent conversations in your mind!

Discussing politics, religion, or even a book for that matter anything intelligent could and will lead to trouble… (You are not supposed to have any opinions remember) If its book the other lady hasn’t read then you are trying to make her look inferior, if its one she has read but you are more eloquent about it then you are trying to show off! If she happens to be more eloquent then you are a dodo. So talk of inanities, and doze off with your eyes open if possible!

5. Never indulge in gossip, or even listen to people gossiping.

Gossips are rarely true,

And people who talk about others,

Will love talking about you.

When you realize that things you had said have been taken out of context and broken down to meaning things you never imagined you realize that gossips have a way of using the correct words but giving them a new meaning. All very deadly.

The most important lesson I learned was that it’s not always wise to state a fact and speak the truth. Much much wiser to keep mum! After all what you don’t say wont implicate you (if you are lucky and if you are unlucky well grin and bear it cause you’ll be had both ways). Err no pun intended here either.

See now IF YOU DON’T SAY ANYTHING IT CAN’T BE MISCONSTRUCTED!

6. You’ll meet some gem of people here and probably make lifelong friends. As they say you can’t choose your family but friends you do choose so these friendships are wonderful. Be always sincere. Because sometimes it’s your honesty and sincerity that binds you to reality and keeps you sane.

7. Always treat everyone with dignity and kindness, and it is those whom you do not have anything feasible to gain from who deserve it more than those, who you will gain from.

8. Always pay attention to anyone who wants to crib to you or cry on your shoulders. Mostly that’s all people are looking for just some genuine interest and attention.

9. I learned how to find peace and happiness within myself. (when there is chaos outside where else will you look!).

10. And finally I learned how strong I was, When I learned that somewhere within me there is this woman who can go on under any adverse conditions, when I faced that fear, one which every army wife always lives with, that something will happen to her better half (cause they are better these wonderful brave honest men we married.) Once I overcame that fear I found within me a core of steel which surprised even me. Most people go thro life never realizing this core.


There’s so much more that I can say. So much the army has given me, so many wonderful memories… but not enough space to account for all… I have come across people with oversized ego’s, some really pompous asses, few people who had every right to pride and yet were so humble, Young men so full of vigor and life, who are now just alive in our memories (that always seems like a waste of good men, senseless…). Families of jawans who call up to share their joys and sorrows… and I feel a part of the whole. So what did I lose and what did I gain…

I lost that carefree bindas girl with a mind of her own who had fallen blindly in love…

And I gained a strong, secure woman definitely with a mind of her own who’s still in love…

PS: If this seems tame, with not enough mines, what can I say the army wife persona took over and deftly avoided them. The battle to suppress what I really wanted to write has sublimed the text. Gradually it turns into an almost Osho book…I know. But as they say the life in the army…

BMW.

http://blackmagicwoman.sulekha.com/blog/post/2008/07/life-in-the-army.htm